First Day of School…..Exciting? Not For All……

In my area it’s the first day of school for kids……lots are excited because they have new clothes…..backpacks.   Lots of kids are not excited….for the same reason.  I don’t have any children of my own…..but my heart aches this time of year (and frankly all year round) for kids who watch fellow classmates arrive wearing the lastest fashions….shoes….and they sit quietly feeling “less than” because they do not have anything new, or “fashionable”.  The truth of the matter is…. these are the years of kids lives when confidence is shaping….or not….and A LOT has to do with immaterial things because our children begin to compare themselves to others, or they are being teased….. they begin to get segregated into groups according to fashion, looks… about the “Have and Have Nots”…walk into any school and you will begin to see the separation…..

Gee think I have any bitter unresolved feelings about things?!  I hate back to school time….and I’m almost 40 years old…..the smell of an inside of a school bus used to make me sick to my stomach….why? Because it was taking me to a building where you had to fit in and perform or be persecuted for it. Looking back, most of my “friends” would be surprised to know my feelings…..I tried so hard to be “tough”….hmmmm….come to think of it….I still do.

As we get older.  for most of us….school memories fade into the past…..we struggle to remember…..and for others of us….we struggle to forget…….I  guess today I write this to say…..please be aware and involved with your children – TRULY BE AWARE of what it’s like look back to your own hidden feelings when you were in school…..there isn’t enough money in the world to have me to turn back time and “go back”…… Hell, I still live with some of the effects today.

Were you a “Have or a Have Not?” and how did you REALLY treat others?  Think it’s just “kids being kids”?  For some….yes.  For others…..who have broken homes….broken minds…..broken souls……NO.



I Don’t Have Any Grand Answers For You Today, BUT…….

So here is where I’m at…..I’m still circling through MY revolving door.  We all have our own don’t we?  Or in reference to the Bible….taking 40 years to make an 11 day trip.  (*sigh* )

We can see it.  We can acknowledge it.  We typically go through these phases where we take small or even big steps to make progress towards change.  And then along the way…..somehow….we find ourselves circling back to old ways…. then our head in our hands and asking….how did I end up here again?

So what now? I think it’s important to see the victory in recognizing that we see we have a pattern! We can’t keep only beating ourselves up. Ok, so….let’s look at the things that are spinning around with us….if we are on a Merry go Round….what seems to be the most reoccurring item that has you reaching into your pocket for quarters…feeding the machine….sending you round and around?

I don’t have any grand answers for you today, BUT what I can tell you is that I know I have been stuck for way too long. I know what has helped me in the past….. & I have started to reach out and them again.  Last week I went back to church for the first time in a LONG time.  More than anything for me, it’s for the MESSAGE. Now, I am looking into how I can be involved in community outreach.

When I am spinning…..and going round and round….reaching out and helping others…..helps ME start to become centered.  I start to remember the value of life.  My life.  That I have a purpose, that I AM worthy. Things start to become a lot clearer when I start to focus my life on other people and other things (meaning not my problems).

I encourage you to stop putting quarters in the Merry go Round this week…..and try investing them in someone else who might need your help…’s amazing how much you will end up learning about yourself!


Taking Care of Ourselves Is Hard…….

One of the things I struggle with, as do many people is the commitment to take care of myself. To eat better, stay in shape – and as I get older I need to be consistent in taking better care of my skin, hair, etc.  If only I could just hire a personal trainer to come kick my butt everyday!! But even if I could….the commitment would still come down to me. I would have to do the work.  Life is so not fair! (Insert thumb-sucking here).

A few years ago I really got into a good regime of eating pretty good, started walking – which lead to running, all in preparation for my first 10k.  I did this with a friend from work.  When I crossed that finish line it was the best feeling of accomplishment ever.  I will never forget it. And so, I kept going with the running and regime.  I finally got it.  I understood why people worked out, why they ran….that “zone” you go into….I was up to 8 miles 3-4 times a week. I was training for a half marathon. It was absolutely one of the best times ever…….then I changed jobs.

I started working 14-16 hours days. My commute was an hour and a half one way. There was no time for running.  Eating? I either never ate, or shoved whatever was in the office in my mouth and kept working. Taking care of myself didn’t exist. After that job, over the last few years I have tried to get back into a regime. I have done a couple 5k’s “on the fly” – my husband and I even completed The Rugged Maniac last year on my Birthday (without any training) ummm yeah – DON’T EVER DO THAT!!! I couldn’t walk for 3 days!

I guess I’m rambling because I’ve been thinking so much with turning 40 fast approaching. I had wanted to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon next Feb in honor of turning 40 in October and my cousin and I had talked about training for it like a year or so ago……but yeah….that thing called life.

SO – I ask myself, what are you going to do? Keep thinking about getting back into it, or do something? As we all know, the hardest part about anything is always getting started.  I am sitting here writing this and I am tired. I’m always tired. I’m tired of being tired. Sure I have health issues – sum people know about, some they don’t.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain why I’m tired….but I really want this.

I’m not even sure if I CAN run anymore…..but I want to try. It made me happy. I felt good.  If I find I can’t, then I’ll do what I can do.  I know I will have to work back up to it.  That’s OK.

So, today I am saying that I am making a commitment to start taking better care of myself in general. Even if it’s as simple as putting lotion on my skin, or moisturizer on my face. Next, I am going to finish up one of our rooms (we just moved) so I can bring up a Nordic Bike that is in our basement.  That’s a start!

Having friends support you &  accountability partners always helps to make things more “real” and “fun”. I’d love to have some accountability partners as I start to walk/ bike/run again…..if you would like to begin a new journey & want an accountability partner too – we can do this together!


My Hope Is That You Will Be An Advocate For A Friend, A Loved One – For Anyone That Struggles

When you live with mental illness you tend to spend a lot of your life explaining why you do, or don’t do things.  Justifying your actions or inaction’s.  “You need to get over it”, “You need to snap out of it”, “Life is hard for everyone, that’s the way it is”.  These may sound familiar if you have people in your life who do not understand or can not relate to your illness. The truth of the matter is you do NOT need to get over it, you do NOT need to snap out of it and although life has challenges for many of us this is NOT just the way it is.

Education regarding mental illness has come a long way over the years – but we know it has so much farther to go.  It’s phrases like the above that still have people who suffer afraid to speak up and seek help.  Scared of the stigma attached. Afraid that you will be seen as a lesser person, because you have bouts of depression. You are seen as an irresponsible person because you can’t hold a steady job anymore and you aren’t sure why. You are deemed lazy because some-days, all you can do is move from your bed to a chair….and just sit – and THAT took everything you had.

Now what if I told you that the same person who had all of the above symptoms had Ovarian Cancer. How would you respond? Would you be compassionate? Would your first words be, “You need to get over it!” or “You need to snap out of it!” (I didn’t think so)

No one chooses to have a Mental Illness. However, YOU have a choice in how you respond to someone who tries to confide in you, or talk to you about their illness.  You have a choice – you can be a part of the problem, or a part of the solution.

My hope is that you will be an advocate for a friend, a loved one – for anyone that struggles.


Don’t Be Afraid To Live!

Here Is A Video I Did!


Don’t Take It Personally…….

I made a promise here a while back that I was going to write even when I didn’t want too.  It’s not that I don’t want too – it’s that I don’t “feel” like it.  What’s the difference?  Good Question. The only way I can explain it is to tell you why I believed it was important to open up my laptop and log on.  I debated allllll day. No one wants to hear this.  Who cares? Quit yer’ bitchin’! WELL…..this is for all of you who are “like me”. Who live balancing life with medication.  If you know what it’s like to go OFF….and then go back ON.  I know people are different. My BFF for example is one of those people who piss me off. Her adjustment period is pretty simple. Little effects and boom she right back to routine. (but I wub her!) ME on the other hand.  OMG! Right now I feel like I have been hit by a truck. When I don’t feel like THAT, I’m nauseous, tired and cranky! Hurry up and level out please!!! (it’s been less than 2 weeks so I am still crawling)

So if I am snippy….or yawn while you are talking….don’t take it personally – it’s not me, really!

Sigh*  so when I say it’s not that I don’t want to write, it’s that I don’t feel like it….maybe it makes more since now??…Oh look!…Here come the headlights of the truck again!

who's that girl

I Was Ready!!

When we have been in a cycle for so long, we can’t imagine our life any other way.  We don’t know life any other way.  Breaking a cycle, or pattern seems impossible.  We read threads, or positive quotes about how grand life will be once we do.  About how WE are the only ones who CAN break the cycle, make the changes, blah blah blah.  You know what.  It’s all friggin’ true.  I’m just as pissed about it as you are.  I’ve spent about 20 years in denial.  Trying to do things “my way” – and I can tell you I have successfully remained in my “cycles” of self destruction or slow progression.  I took 40 years to make an 11 days trip.  Yep – that’s me all the way.

I had a conversation with my husband the other day about how people can tell you what you should do, how you should, when you should do – and you can TRY to do – because they want you to…..but it won’t work.  Believe me I know.  Until YOU feel it in your soul.  Until YOU feel it in your bones and are ready to break whatever has a hold on you……and when that time comes – you my friend CAN and WILL.  Believe me I know.  You will become one of those poster people saying, “If I can do it, anyone can!”  and can I tell you…’s a crazy weird feeling?!  Because as you are now not only battling demons, you are actually BEATING THEM – which is something you never thought you could do!  You believed they would be attached to that chain at the end of your ankle for the rest of your life….and little by little….one by one….you are slaying them!!  So yeah, i am becoming one of those people who is posting those annoying positive quotes….playing positive music…..because I WAS READY!!


Time To Get Back On My Meds!

I’ve got a busy day on tap – and I actually feel really good!  I have a call scheduled in a bit with the school I am going to transfer too – then I have some things planned to do before my doctors appointment later this afternoon.  Hard to believe I have been off my meds for over 4 months now.  Then again, not so much.  I’ve had a hard time with certain things and I have rally had to focus on trying to “stay well”.  It’s exhausting.  I know I need my meds. not looking forward to facing my doctor and having to explain to him all the things that have been going on……but I know it has to be done.

One thing I am proud to tell him is that I am on day 11 of no alcohol! WOW!  Not so proud to say I have gained almost 30lbs since I have been off my meds…..but, I can handle it and I am working to take it off.

I’m learning a lot about myself…..almost 40 and I feel like I am JUST STARTING to figure out who I am – interesting.

Awesome Life Tip………..

Awesome life tip

Beautiful Weekend

So this weekend has been pretty nice.  I didn’t go to the women’s church group.  But that’s OK – my husband and I did end up spending the day yesterday with a lovely couple at an outdoor mall about 45 mins from where we live.  It was a beautiful day, great company and nice to get out an do something different!  Today, I spent most of the day sitting outside in my Serenity Circle, reading from my Life Recovery Bible and working on some crafts.  Another beautiful day!

My brain has been swirling once again with all kinds of ideas.  Visions I have for the future, how to go about the first steps of creating my passion – a women’s ministry.  Doing retreats and workshops…..being able to work with women who feel as though they are stuck and know they are destined for MORE!  I know it will come….God has chosen that path for me….I just tend to wander off in my own direction occasionally……picking up extra “learning experiences” I say!

I finally go back to my doctor this coming Wednesday!  I never thought I’d be so excited to see my psychiatrist!  I have been off my meds now for months and although it’s been a great experience having to really be aware of my emotions – it has been draining trying to keep myself under control!  So yes – I am thrilled to go sit in the waiting room for an hour!

Life is good…..hard…..but good.